Something I've Been Meaning To Say

Yesterday while taking a break from some rare studying i was rummaging through some old stuff piled up on shelf on my head board. Came to realize it was stuff from my High School senior prom, an issue of the newspaper where I was quoted (lol) and the program for my graduation. It was all cool and nostalgic till I found something else.

I found my best friend/cousin/(insert anything good)'s program for his graduation.

I didnt say it on here but Abdulrahman Abdulrahman passed away on the complete opposite coast than the one we represent. At that time, I couldnt get myself to write/talk/or anything about the situation. It was the greatest shock to me...and what made it equally hard was that it was the first person so close to me to pass away. You dont really know what people are talking about when they say "I've never felt like that before" until something happens in your life that brings those emotions out of the depths of your soul.

Now, even today I would like to think that I have come to grips to the events almost 2 months later but not a day goes by where I don't either get teary eyed or, on occasion, cry. It's crazy how much the littlest things can remind you of someone, you dont know what's there till it's gone. Ain't that the truth. For a while I had almost forgot that this was a huge loss for me and worried about how his family was doing. The fact that it also affected me was when someone came to me and told me that they were sorry that I had lost a friend. scratch that....i had lost a piece of me.

A couple good things did come out of this though, it brought my family closer than its been in a while seeing that Abdul was either a son/grandchild/brother/friend to each one of us. Another thing was that life all of a sudden became something to be cherished at a higher level. It's something I was aware of but the realness of it didn't hit me until that day in late July.

To this day a part of me doesn't want to believe that my boy's gone....but my mind knows better than that and suppresses any emotion that arises from me. And if anyone knows me, I dont really show my emotions too much and I think suppressing this has just made it worse. It's almost like I want to deal with this by myself....there's only one person that I've talked to that has helped. Everyone else has just given the cliche responses. which aren't bad but you can only get so many of those.

I dont know what to do anymore about it. I almost feel like I never completely let out my sadness on that day when I heard the news. I held back so much so as to be a role model for my little brothers and sisters. And now it slowly rears its head on an almost daily basis. The moments last for like a minute or 2, but then ruin the rest of the day to a certain extent.

I could write about this forever, but every word I type out and reread is like a little needle pricking a bag of tears that is just waiting to explode.

All this just from finding his Graduation day Program.

Since then, I've done a couple things that we had planned on doing in the future. Trip to San Diego...check. Go to a Common concert....check. deleting our myspaces.....check (lol).

God works in such mysterious ways sometimes, but in the end all of our times is coming up and that is what helps me from completely breaking down. Abdul's just came a little to early.....just a little to early.

I haven't written all my thoughts but this it's a start. It feels a little better knowing you wrote it down and someone out there could relate. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Unfortunately

R.I.P homie